Mini Episode 12: How do you know he is the one?
For this week's Mini Episode the question was supposed to be one we explored with an interview in the next episode. But the more Jackie thought about it the more she realized that she really wanted to write about this solo for this episode. It’s something that’s personal to her, something she has spent a decade asking myself, too.
They write:
How do you know he is the one?
Tune in to hear how Jackie explores this week's question and make sure to listen until the end to hear the question we will be diving into on the next episode. And if you feel inspired to respond to this asker and are interested in being a guest of this episode, OR if you have a short word of wisdom for them, write to us on the contact page on youandipodcast.com or DM us on instagram at @youandi.podcast.
Episode Resources:
Jackie Kai Ellis: Website / Instagram
You & I Podcast: Website
Resources on finding trusted professional help can be found here.
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Welcome to You & I.
I am Jackie Kai Ellis and it’s my genuine hope that through sharing our most vulnerable stories, we know, in the moments where it matters so much, that we are not alone.
DISCLAIMER:
It needs to be said, I am not a professional, just someone with some personal experience to share. I do hope this is helpful, but as always, take the advice that resonates and ignore what doesn't. And don’t hesitate to seek out professional help through a trusted source. We’ve provided links on our website in case you need them..
QUESTION INTRO:
This question was supposed to be one we explored with an interview in the next episode. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really wanted to write about this for this episode. It’s something that’s personal to me, something I’ve spent a decade asking myself, too.
They write:
How do you know he is the one?
I’ve decided to name you The One.
ANSWER
Dear The One,
You know, I've spent a lot of time wondering the same question myself.
And I’ve wondered, what does “the one” even mean? Is it the person that you feel an inexplicable “meet cute” kind of connection with? Your soulmate? A person you love irresistibly? beyond rationality? The person you go gray with? The person you choose to stay with?
And if you break up, does that mean they weren't the one after all?
When my ex-husband and I divorced, I wondered if I’d made the wrong decision to marry him, if I’d chosen the wrong man. I wondered if I was too young and naive to have made the choice I made, or if he would have been the one if I was born in another time or culture where I wouldn’t have had a choice but to stay. I wondered if we were never destined to stay. I wondered if there was another one out there for me.
I wanted to find the answers to these questions with the kind of intensity that borders curiosity and desperation. I needed these answers so that I wouldn’t find myself in the same sore place again…suffering the same disappointment. No. The word disappointment is much too watered down for divorce….the same disaster. A natural one, like an avalanche or an earthquake. One that destroys almost everything. You blink and your world has changed. Like natural disasters, we know divorces are possible, even probable, but we never really think it’s going to be now, or it’s going to happen to us.
So naturally for the next decade, I searched. Every time I struck up a conversation with a couple celebrating their 48th wedding anniversary at the table beside me, or a retired couple at a hotel bar, or met highschool sweethearts, I’d ask the secret to a lasting relationship. To me, it seemed like this was what defined the one from just someone that you loved, that it would last.
They’d respond, “don’t go to bed angry,” “trust,” “respect,” “you stick with it through the hard parts,” among many other pieces of sage advice. But as years passed, I realized that the only consistent thread was that each answer was different, and what worked for each couple was unique to them and what they valued most in people.
I questioned if there was such a thing as the one? I wondered how much of this idea had been fabricated by the media? Or how much of this idea was portrayed in the media because it is such a universal yearning: to be found uniquely special to one person, to be loved for who we truly are. Is this what makes someone The One?
My mother told me that throughout her childhood, she would often have a recurring dream - seeing a sea of cotton below her. She said that, as a child, the dream had always confused her.
When she was 13, she met my father. As I’ve heard many times (I like this story very much), my father says that he immediately knew that he would marry my mother when he laid eyes on her at a wedding where she was the maid of honor, and he was the best man. I suspect it was because she was, and still is, incredibly beautiful.
A couple years later, they met again, and when my father entered the room, a voice in my mother’s head said, “This man will be your husband.”
Shortly afterwards, my father left Hong Kong to finish high school in Canada and so they exchanged letters, as phone calls were too costly for two young lovers. When he graduated, he wrote my mother a letter, asking her to marry him. My father said he was young but that he would promise to do his best to care for her. She said yes.
When the time had come, my mother decided to leave the only life she had known to marry my father in Canada. She boarded a plane for the very first time, and after it had taken off, she looked out the window to see a sea of cotton…the exact same sea as seen in her dreams for so many years. 49 years later, they are still married.
To know you are destined for someone, despite our inadequacies. The divine security of knowing that you are made to love each other, no matter what. Is this what makes someone The One?
And yet, my parents have had their share of hard times, times where they wondered if they were better off apart. My father says that perhaps the reason they are still together is that my mother hates to be wrong, she would have hated to be wrong about him, and that it was her stubbornness that kept them together. Is that what makes someone The One? A stubbornness for each other?
I never figured it out. And I won’t deny that I dated, looking for something like this, an inexplicable “feeling” or surety from an inner voice that some get. I wanted that answer before I jumped, the security of knowing I was making a good choice, the right choice, one that was blessed by destiny and so could not possibly backfire and hurt me with a less romantic ending. But, for me this never came.
I chose to marry again, not because of a voice in my head, but because he is kind and open-hearted, and has shown me time and time again that he will be there for me when I find it hard to be. I chose him because he is playful and curious, and so caring that he equally nurtures his close friends as much as he fights for his community and the ideals that keep us hoping in humanity.
I chose him because he challenges and inspires me to learn how to love more every day, because he does it so well. Does that make him The One? I still don’t know.
But I’ll share a note I wrote to him the day we were married. It said:
Joan Didion once wrote in The Book of Common Prayer,
“You have to pick the places you don’t walk away from.”
I continued, “Like the places we build a home, or the people we build homes in. I pick you. You are my place.”
Maybe finding The One is simpler than we all think. Maybe it’s just who we pick.
END:
Thank you The One. I hope you got something helpful out of this…if anything, know that you’re not alone. You see, we all struggle, mourn, yearn, question, laugh and cry. No matter our age, background, or titles, at our core, we are all not so different, You & I.
OUTRO: [music]
Because this was supposed to be next month’s question, I’ve chosen a new one in its place:
They write: how can we learn to be comfortable, with being uncomfortable… (whether it’s related to work, social settings, traditions/culture)
If you feel inspired to respond to this asker and are interested in being a guest of this episode, OR if you have a short word of wisdom for them, write to us on the contact page on youandipodcast.com or DM us on instagram at @youandi (DOT) podcast. And of course, please submit your questions there too.
If you enjoyed this episode, like and subscribe to our channel, which helps others who might be interested, find us. And feel free to share this episode with someone who may find it helpful as well. Thank you for joining us today. I’m Jackie Kai Ellis, this is you and I.
Music ends
This podcast was produced and edited by More Good Media.