Episode 11: How does one move on after trauma? I miss my dear late sister. I just wanted to remember the good.
This month's question centres around a universal topic that we all go through at some point in our lives, grief. Saying that, we want to provide a warning that this episode discusses sensitive topics such as death and trauma.
They write:
How does one just move on emotionally after a lot of trauma and grief. I am in therapy. I started this month but just remembering all the trauma from the past is a lot. I miss my dear late older sister. It’s been years since she gained her angel wings. Tuesday will be the one year anniversary of her funeral. My whole body is just mentally and physically drained out. I just wanted to remember the good.
We decided to name you, Hope.
Today’s guest is Jackie's cousin, Alicia Chung. Alicia has gone through a similar experience as "Hope" as she, too, has lost a sister. She, too, has grieved this very trauma, and still grieves it to this day. We decided to leave this interview largely unedited, leaving the repetitions, our struggling for words, our speechlessness. We left in the long moments of silence because they, like negative space, sometimes speak more than the words do and believe that this interview deserved to be heard this way.
We hope that you get something helpful out of this conversation. If anything, know that you’re not alone. You see, we all struggle, mourn, yearn, question, laugh and cry. No matter our age, background, or titles, at our core, we are all not so different, You & I.
This podcast is produced by More Good Media.
Episode Resources:
Jackie Kai Ellis: Website / Instagram
You & I Podcast: Website
Resources on finding trusted professional help can be found here.
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INTRO:
Welcome to You & I.
I am Jackie Kai Ellis and it’s my genuine hope that through sharing our most vulnerable stories, we know, in the moments where it matters so much, that we are not alone.
DISCLAIMER:
It needs to be said, I am not a professional, just someone with some personal experience to share. I do hope this is helpful, but as always, take the advice that resonates and ignore what doesn't. And don’t hesitate to seek out professional help through a trusted source. We’ve provided links on our website in case they are needed.
Jackie: [00:00:00] Welcome to You and I. I'm Jackie Kai Ellis, and it's my genuine hope that through sharing our most vulnerable stories, we know in the moments where it matters so much that we are not alone. It needs to be said, I'm not a professional, just someone with some personal experience to share. I do hope this is helpful, but as always, take the advice that resonates and ignore what doesn't.
And don't hesitate to seek out professional help through a trusted source. We have resources on our website. I also want to provide a warning that this episode discusses sensitive topics such as death and trauma.
This month's question was submitted on Instagram. They write, How does one just move on emotionally after a lot of trauma and grief? I'm in therapy. I started this month, but just remembering [00:01:00] all the trauma from the past is a lot. I miss my dear late older sister. It's been years since she gained her angel wings.
Tuesday will be the one year anniversary of her funeral. My whole body is just mentally and physically drained out. I just wanted to remember the good. Thank you so much for your question. I decided to name you.
Today's guest is my cousin Alicia Chung. When I first saw this question, I immediately thought of her. She too has lost a sister. She too has grieved this very trauma and still grieves it to this day. I decided to leave this interview largely unedited. I left the repetitions, our struggling for words, our speechlessness.
I left in the long moments of silence because they, like negative space, [00:02:00] sometimes speak more than words do. I think this interview deserves to be heard that way. Here's my conversation with my cousin, Alicia. Hi, Alicia. Thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate it. For those that don't know, Alicia is a very, very dear friend of mine, in addition to my cousin, and she's the person that I go to.
When I'm sort of at my wit's end, especially about parenting, and she has this really amazing ability to hone in on a person's genuine needs and give the wisest advice while still being very generous to the breadth of life experience. I don't know if that makes sense, that kind of compliment. Do you know what I mean by that?[00:03:00]
Alicia: I think so. I think I know what you're trying to say.
Jackie: Yeah. Like you're never one to give advice that's judgmental or, um, self serving. Yeah. You just have that like really amazing ability to like inspire confidence. Uh, a person's self confidence, I would say. I appreciate that. Have you ever heard that about yourself?
Alicia: I've heard it in different contexts of being able to, um, kind of just hone in on what people need to hear or not need to hear, but what people need to hear, even though they have the ability to know the answer themselves. Um, and probably just speaks to a lot of things that have happened in my life and how I've reflected on it.
And when I see people like yourself, like you've done so much for yourself and you still have these questions where I'm like, Jackie, you've done that already. You already know the answer.
Jackie: That's true. You've said that [00:04:00] to me numerous times. You're like, I don't know why you're asking me. Like you've, you kind of already have figured it out.
Exactly. Do you feel like, well, I guess this is a good, Yeah. a good segue into uh, into the topic your ability to know instinctively what someone needs to hear and to inspire confidence in the person or self confidence in that person. Do you feel like that is something that you learned through the struggles that you've gone through in your life?
Alicia: I would say yes, yeah, I think Going through something traumatic is, um, is, or let's say losing a sister is, or a sibling is not something that happens to a lot of people, in a sense, um, especially when it's such a young age, you know, when you grow older, [00:05:00] you kind of, you anticipate losing your, your, your family members as they age due to, due to the circumstances of what happens, um, but when you go through something that's, It's so unique that, um, you don't even really realize what you're going through when you're in it because it's just happening.
And when you look back at how everything unraveled and the circumstances and, um, how I grieved through that, I think a lot of that Translates to how can I be more empathetic to others? And how can I really understand what other people are going through? Because I would never want that same pain for anyone else, nor would I want anyone else to feel like they're unworthy of love because everyone is worthy of love in the end.
And I wouldn't [00:06:00] want anyone to feel that they weren't.
Jackie: So let's go back to your experience with losing a family member. You lost your sister in, I guess, what was it, like 20, not even 20 years ago, like, was it 20
Alicia: years ago? 20, 22 years. 22 years. 22 years. 22 years ago, I was 16 years old when it happened and yeah, it just seems like yesterday to be honest, even though it was 22 years ago, you can still remember everything that happened and the circumstances around.
Kind of the events that happened as a result of it as well. Yeah.
Jackie: Can you describe what that experience was like for you in as much or as little detail as you want? Like what was it, what do you remember? What do you, yeah, [00:07:00] what was it like for you in the internal landscape
Alicia: even? I remember the Day it happened quite clearly.
Um, the feelings I had was I, I, the feelings I had in that moment for are still so vivid. I felt one. It can't be true. Um, I felt this doesn't happen to people like us. I don't know what that meant. But I remember thinking this doesn't happen to people like this. So this is not true. This is just a dream.
And then being in a state of shock and that morning when I found out, I packed my school bags and went to school that day. I just left the house and my parents were saying, I don't think you should go to school. And I said, No, I need to go to school. And I left the house. Um, as everybody was coming to the house to, [00:08:00] to grieve.
Jackie: And what was school like for you that day? Like what, what happened?
Alicia: I think I'm looking back on why I reacted the way I did. I think for me, I needed to escape the environment because I just didn't know how to process anything that was happening. Like I was 16 years old. That's, in hindsight, that's still a child in a sense who's still trying to, you know, Be to mature her emotions.
She was still learning. She was still trying to understand herself as well emotionally. And, um, I went to school that morning and I think I remember I called one of my best friends at the time and I said, My sister died and she said, what can I do right now? And so I said, just meet me at school. And, um, she said, okay.
So she met me at school and I just [00:09:00] sat with her and that's all I did all day. I just sat with her. I went through class. I remember just being very lifeless and still in a state of shock. I remember telling a teacher of mine and she said, you shouldn't be here. And I said, I don't want to be at home right now.
Wow.
Jackie: It's funny, like, we're family, but we've never talked about this part.
Alicia: Yeah. And it's, the other thing I, I clearly remember was coming home from school that day, and I can't, I don't think you were there, but there was probably seven or eight people in, in our house sitting on the couch and just staring at me.
And asking, are you okay? And I just, I think I dropped my bags off and went up to my room and closed my door.
Jackie: How did that feel to have so many people all of a sudden put [00:10:00] their attention on you in that
Alicia: moment?
I don't remember it being that way, but I think I was not ready to process people empathizing or family members empathizing with, with what I was going through. Cause I couldn't even process what I was going, um, But I will never forget the look on everyone's faces during those, that day and the days after where every time I saw them, I'll just never forget everybody's expression on their face.
What was the expression? I felt like a lot of everyone was pale. Um, everyone was in a state of shock. And I don't think anyone really had anything to say other than how are you doing? [00:11:00]
Jackie: And what was, what was life like for you following that? Like, I'm assuming it wasn't just, well, maybe all this stuff probably drops off at a certain point and you're kind of left by yourself, in a sense, without everyone around all the time, but what was the process like over the next year, let's just say?
Yeah, I
Alicia: remember during that time, my, my,
my automatic instinct was. I need to be strong for my family, um, because my family is visibly not, um, is visibly grieving at this point in [00:12:00] time. Um, I remember thinking that my family needs me more than I need them.
Was that true? Looking back, no.
Yeah, looking back,
I was a 16 year old girl. Yeah.
Yeah, she needed, she needed a lot.
And, you know, it's, it's funny because, well, it's not funny, but I think when something like [00:13:00] this happens, you know, when I was going through my grieving process, I was, I was looking at, like, how to process grief
with a loss of a sibling, and there were, there were no articles, there's maybe one study that comes up and, um,
and the first sentence of that or first paragraph of that study really is, It's not, it's not something that's common or studied on the psychological impact of a, of a sibling for losing another sibling, but through, like, through observation of what they've seen, they've They've said like often the loss of a sibling impact of a [00:14:00] sibling on a loss of a sibling is really neglected because most of the
sympathy is really to the parents as it should be because no one should ever suffer a loss. Um, and I led a child for any reason? And I think I read those articles and felt, yes, it is something that's not spoken about often, but at the same time I thought, yes, nobody should ever lose a child and they should, the parents should be supported because their loss is so insurmountable compared to other people.
Um, and I think that's how I led a lot of my grieving was, how can I support. my parents through
Jackie: this.
And at what point [00:15:00] did you start to prioritize your own
Alicia: grieving?
I would say about a year afterwards. I started reflecting more on myself and my impact. Sorry, I would say about a year after I started reflecting more on my grieving process. Looking back, I think I took a longer time to grieve because I I suppressed a lot of those emotions, and I didn't let myself go through it for many different reasons.
And naturally, I remember when people see me, the first question they ask is, how are your parents? So, in a sense, my support system [00:16:00] was really thinking about my family as well. And so I had this dialogue with myself, is that You know, you're tough enough, Alicia. You can get through this, but you need to be strong for your family.
Had you
Jackie: ever had that inclination before? Or, like, before this, were, were you sort of like, no, I have to be strong for my family and all, all these other ways? Or was this, a trait that really just came out at this moment.
Alicia: Looking back, I would say it was probably a trait I already had. Like, I think I was naturally just a tougher kid for whatever reason. Um, but if I, if I look at the situation, I definitely think this shaped a lot of [00:17:00] how I look at life and how I approach situations.
Jackie: In the years after when you started prioritizing Your own grieving. What other things did you do
Alicia: to do that? I started seeing a psychologist. Um, and I would say I started seeing different psychologists because I wanted to make sure I found the right fit. Um, with my story and the context of the situation and my ethnic background, because that does play into part of what the grieving process looks like.
The funny thing is I never thought my story was traumatic, in a sense, until I told the story to the different psychologists. [00:18:00] Uh, I think there was three of them, and they each started crying on their own. And so then I, that's when I realized, okay, this, I, I've neglected to share this for a long time and that there is a lot of pain here that I need to solve that I thought I could solve on my own.
Um, and I do need to try to navigate it.
Jackie: What gave you the indication that you needed help and that you couldn't do it on your
Alicia: own?
Pain was just too much. Um, the pain of, of holding all the thoughts. And the pain of holding all my thoughts and my emotions to myself was, [00:19:00] was just too much and not really having someone to turn to that I could
freely express myself with no judgment of the situation and really to hear. my point of view of the story and really to validate that my feelings were real.
Jackie: Can you tell me about your sister a little bit? Like who she, what your relationship was like and who she is to
Alicia: you?
Yeah, I, I just loved my sister so much. You know, um, she was four years older than I, and [00:20:00] she just was so,
yeah, she was four years older than I, she was your kind of stereotypical older sister, who would, uh, get in trouble for everything, and I would get away with nothing, or I would get away with everything that I did, she would take the brunt of, of the, she would take the brunt of,
sorry, she I don't mean to make you cry either. Okay, I love my sister so much. She was, um, four years,
she was four years older than me, and she was your stereotypical older sister, in that she was just so [00:21:00] protective. She acted like A nurturing mother figure to me just because my parents were working all the time. So we spent a lot of time together growing up and I, I idolized her. She just was so, she was so beautiful.
She had a great personality. She was charming. Everyone loved her and I just wanted to be exactly like her.
And she was just always there for me even though I was the biggest. Bradius little sister to her. She just sacrificed a lot for me too, when she was going through school. And
yeah, I just, I wish, I really wish we could have [00:22:00] grown old together.
I remember she
Jackie: was like. The kindest person, like, genuinely it's the kindest person, like, if no one could see someone good in someone, like, she would see someone good in that person, like, she was that, that person. I don't think she ever had, like, an evil thought in her entire life. Yeah.
Alicia: And it's,
it's the tough part, you know, grieving is, is tough and processing the trauma is tough. I think the toughest part is. My toughest part for me is I always had a dream of growing old with my sister, you know, and sharing [00:23:00] just life with her because that's what you're supposed to do. And so, you know, the grieving process doesn't go away because every time there's a milestone in life, you just really want to share it with, or I just really wanted to share it with her.
So I feel like for me, the grieving really comes and goes with time because there's always something that triggers that memory. And most recently I did go to a psychologist, um,
I did go to a psychologist, um, I think it was when I was pregnant and I was grieving the loss of an aunt for my daughter and [00:24:00] the psychologist said, she told me, she said, take this as a time that you're honoring your sister. Because you'll never forget her in your life.
She said, take this as a time to recognize that you're honoring your sister because this is how you keep her in your memories and your thoughts and keep her with you forever.
Jackie: Oh my goodness. I really so like, just like have no words right now.
How did you grieve?
I mean, it's just different, right? Because like,[00:25:00]
I know in some ways this isn't true, but I feel like my grief has no place here.
Because I have the,
because I didn't see her every day, and so that loss of her
is so minuscule, and she wasn't my daughter, and she wasn't my sister, like,
it's, it's, my grief has such a, it's just like, it's not even, yeah, it just has no place here, because it's not[00:26:00]
You know what I mean? Like,
yeah. I have such good memories of her.
Like, especially when we were growing up and stuff. Like, such good memories. You know, by the time we got to that age, like, we both sort of, like, drifted apart. Because we were, I was in Toronto, and she was here, and we didn't have the same friends anymore, and I didn't see family that much anymore. And so, it's,
The grief is like very, um, sort of like dumb compared to, [00:27:00] compared to the grief that you, that you go through every single day, because I could only imagine there are things that probably remind you of her all the time. And it's probably like a daily thing. So yeah. In a moment, Alicia and I continue our conversation, but first a word about our nonprofit partners.
In each episode, we aim to feature a non profit as a small thanks to you and to our community. If you know of a non profit that would like to be featured in a future episode, encourage them to contact us on our website at YouandIpodcast. com. Now back to our conversation. Do you remember [00:28:00] her, uh, the one year anniversary after she passed?
I only mention this because the question asked her specifically was going through, she was at that moment in time when she wrote the question.
Alicia: I don't remember the one year anniversary, but what I will say is that
Every year, around the time she passed, which was the spring, I feel triggered, and it's just like something comes through my body and just says to you, hey, you're going to grieve right now, and you're processing something, and usually I know at that time what it is it's about, it's like, okay, it's It's her anniversary coming up.
Um, just let's, how do I get through it? What emotions am I going to process at this [00:29:00] time? And usually the emotions are, they're, they're very raw because you think about everything you've been through, um, in the past since she passed away. Yeah,
yeah, like the
Jackie: grieving, every time your life moves forward, the grieving moves forward with you. That's a great way to say it. Or it's like, almost like, you know, when you watch waves and they come to, come to the, um, the shoreline, it's almost like it just rides with you to where you are at this point. Yeah.
Yeah.
When [00:30:00] you were in therapy, the question asker was talking about how they were physically and mentally drained and, and how they were just at the point where they just wanted to remember the good. Do you ever remember feeling
Alicia: that way?
I remember, there's just so many emotions that go through, um, when you're reflecting on everything that happens. Um, I remember thinking, like, why me? Like, life is not fair, why me? Um,
because it's, it's, it's, it isn't fair, life isn't fair, and things like this shouldn't happen to people. And then, you know, but you can't dwell [00:31:00] in that space because it's just a vicious downwards cycle. And you'll never get out of it. So really, I let myself get there, maybe for a day or two days, but I quickly kind of tell myself, okay, I'm done.
What has, what good has come from this? Like, what good can I say has come from this whole situation? And
I genuinely believe that I don't think I would be where I am today if this hadn't happened. I don't think I would be the person I am today as a result. Um, I don't think I would be where I am in my life. I think I'd be in a very different path that I would not be happy in. [00:32:00] And I ask myself, like, am I
happy with my life right now? And I can say, yes, I am.
In a sense,
in this weird, I don't even know the right word to use, but it was, I'm grateful for something like this to happen because it's really opened my heart up to be able to just understand that pain, um, and really use it to, to guide me
Jackie: in my life. Yeah.
When you say that this [00:33:00] experience has. made you who you are today? How would you describe who you are and all the, the good that's come from it, or even maybe not just the good, but who you, who are you today because of this?
I
Alicia: think the first thing that comes up is just strength. Um, really knowing what rock bottom feels like and what it's like to lose. Someone you really, really, really love, and then trying to find yourself through that pain. Um,
the other piece is really about how I [00:34:00] connect with people, and being able to empathize a bit on some of the pain that people go through, whether it's, um, a result of a loss or depression or any struggles.
And for me, my, I always just want to be a really good person. And I think just staying grounded in kindness as well, because everyone goes through their own situation and it's neither better nor worse than other people's, but it means something to that person. So it matters and just being able to be kind and enough to acknowledge that with everybody.
Yeah,
Jackie: because you could have gone the opposite, which is like, Well, I've gone through something so horrible, and your pain is nothing compared to my pain. Like, you could have [00:35:00] had that perspective, but, you know, there were times that I've come to you with things,
or I've been in really depressed places in my life. For no reason, really. Like, when I looked at my life, it was perfectly fine, but I just couldn't shake that heavy, negative space, and you have never made me feel like my worries were not important, and you've never diminished how horrible they felt to me in that moment.
Like, how did you not become angry and jaded and... Mean and resentful [00:36:00] at life.
Alicia: That's always an easy road to take and it's easy to place blame or to
point your pain outwardly than just reflect internally on what this means to you or to myself. And I think I just really. felt.
I really felt that I did not want anyone to feel the way I've felt in this situation.
I didn't want anyone to feel how I felt and the pain I went through and the grieving process I went through.[00:37:00]
Sorry, I'm just trying to find my words here.
I take your time.
And
I just wanted everyone around me to feel like they were worthy and loved because If we can make people feel that way, because part of that is,
because part of healing is really knowing that you're worthy and you're loved. And when I look at, when I'm grieving today, I still grieve. It's, it's just, it, like you said, it ebbs and flows. I really don't grieve for myself, but I. really grieve in the perspective [00:38:00] of that 16 year old girl
who lost her sister and what she was feeling and what she needed in that situation. And I always just remember that girl and what she was going through.
I think there's a piece of you when something traumatic happens
that there's a piece of your heart that stays in that moment in time, right? Whatever that moment in time is. And there's always a point that triggers you and brings you back to that moment in time. So when I'm triggered, it brings me back to that 16 year old girl who was just still trying to figure out life, trying [00:39:00] to figure out her emotions.
And she was just so young and innocent. And I try to continue to nurture that and find compassion for myself and for that girl.
So when I get triggered through these moments, I think I learned from you to speak to that girl in a way that she would want to, wanted to have received love and received help.
When I was in a, in a, when I was in one of my therapy sessions, I remember she used, [00:40:00] um, cognitive behavioral therapy, which she brings you back to those moments and she said,
what do you, when you're back in those moments, as she's doing the therapy, she said, what, what do you, what do you, what are you feeling? And the thing that kept coming up for me was I just felt so alone and I didn't feel like I had.
And I just wanted somebody to be there with me,
even though in that real moment, I was trying to be strong for my family, but I really needed it for myself. I wish I had gone back and just really gave myself a hug or, or asked for, for, for help. Yeah,[00:41:00]
I mean,
Jackie: I don't know if this is helpful at all whatsoever, because I do want to be, I don't want to, anyway.
But I am having like just feelings of like regret right now because I kind of wish that I had been more emotionally connected or mature or wiser when I was that age to have reached out even just once because I don't think I did not even [00:42:00] once
and I don't mean this to like You, I have no delusions that by me reaching out everything would have been fine, and you probably don't even need an apology from me, but knowing what I do now, and being the person I am now, I do, I am very sorry. That I didn't, that you, I, because I love you so much now, and it, I also just feel so sad that like, you felt alone at any point in your life.
Like I wouldn't want you to feel alone now, and I don't, I [00:43:00] would never want you to have felt alone when you were 16, but this is like the 44 year old Jackie speaking, um, that if I could go back in time, um, I wish that I would have had the wisdom and not have been so selfish to, to at least have reached out in some way.
And I'm so sorry that I didn't. Not that you need my apology, but I am sorry that I didn't.
Alicia: In the end, like, I have never,
I've never honestly blamed anyone for how I felt. It just, the situation is just so unique, and [00:44:00] nobody knows how to process something like that, right? And everyone processes it in their own way, and in the end, we were all grieving of some, of some sort, in some way, and we were all very young at that time.
And so when I. Look back, I never thought, how come people didn't reach out? I was thinking more to myself of, this is a really unique situation, Alicia. Don't treat yourself like this is something that happens to everyone. Allow yourself to have the time to grieve and to go through the emotions. Because it's allowed, and like, be compassionate with yourself.
Because I think I was so hard on myself on just getting past the grief and moving forward onto the [00:45:00] next thing. Which, to be honest, that hasn't served me well, because that was just a coping mechanism, and
I'm still unlearning some of those mechanisms I use, because It only serves that short period of time, but over the course of 10, 20 years,
there's, there's residual impact of that event in my life, which it has happened, but it's like, how do you move forward? How do you use that to
be a better person in this world and also
to help to help to see things a little bit differently?[00:46:00]
Jackie: If you could speak directly to the question asker, what would you want to tell
Alicia: them?
Be kind to yourself.
The grief doesn't go away, unfortunately, and that is actually quite special, to be honest, because each time you grieve, it's really honoring your sister, and also honoring yourself because You're, you're exploring different emotions and different memories that have come up that really mean something special to you.
I think it's also [00:47:00] accepting that the pain will come and go, but to acknowledge and to embrace it, in a sense. Because it is healthy to have the pain,
and just to remember that you, like, you're so loved, and so worthy, and what you're going through is not going to be understood by a lot of people, but at the same time, people are in your life who want to help and want to support, support you through that process.
Jackie: Oh, goodness.[00:48:00]
Is there anything else that you... want to add to the conversation, anything at all?
Alicia: No, I, I don't, I don't have anything that I, yeah, I'm not sure. I don't know, have anything I can add there. There's so many things. That's okay.
Jackie: Yeah.
Do you feel okay to stop here? Do you want to continue? How do you feel? Okay.
So I guess I just want to thank you for being this open and for agreeing to talk about this because [00:49:00] this definitely is not easy to talk about and it does just brings things forward I'll back up, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it just isn't like people aren't like signing up to do this because it's a fun thing to do.
So thank you for doing this. And I really do hope that this conversation helps someone out there. Whether they're grieving a sister, or another family member, or grieving for a younger version of themselves, or whatever it is, like, I just want people to know that, well, for people to have learned something from this, and hopefully they would have learned, [00:50:00] there is beyond the grieving.
Um, and that you are such a great example of the hard work it takes, but also the,
the good that can come from it, like in the person that you are and what you do for, for the people that are lucky enough to, um, to know you, I think, for sure. And I don't say that just because. Thank you, Jackie. So, thank you.
Dear Hope, I understand grief, I understand grieving, but I have to say, I don't understand this. Thank you. I don't understand what it's like to lose someone so close. Someone that's so integral to who I am as a person, [00:51:00] that we were trees with the same roots. I can't imagine losing someone I grew up with every day.
Someone that was there the day I was born. Someone who I didn't know life without. I don't know what it's like to lose my sister. I've never had to know that. My sister. She can recite all the foods I love and hate as if they were the foods she loved and hated. She watched cartoons with me and fought over everything with me.
She let me sleep in her room after a scary movie, sometimes for months when I was still afraid. I don't know what it's like to lose a child. It's frankly unbearable to imagine it. Because when I have, after hearing the tragedies of war, or some mass shooting, it sends shudders of pain through my stomach and my throat, like nerves firing and nausea all at once.
It's an unnatural feeling [00:52:00] for the most unnatural kind of loss. I haven't lost a parent either. For that, I count myself very lucky. Because I don't want to imagine the day when the foundation on which I've been built crumbles. I haven't lost someone before their time, before they've really lived all the milestones they dreamt for themselves, that we dreamt for them, that we dreamt together.
I can't speak to this kind of grief. I'm not qualified. All I can say is, I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm so sorry, I can't say anything with any modicum of wisdom to ease your pain. The pain is great. My hope for you is that you find hope, maybe in therapy, maybe in the empathy of someone who can understand, [00:53:00] maybe in the words of my cousin.
And I hope that those like me who are fortunate enough not to fully understand your grief will remember how lonely it might feel for those that do. I hope we can remind you. in our own unique ways, that you are so loved and so worthy of healing. Thank you, Alicia, for being my guest. And to the asker, I truly hope you got something helpful out of this.
If anything, do know that you're not alone. You see, we all struggle. We all mourn, yearn, question, laugh, and cry. No matter our age, background, or titles, at our core, we're all not so different. You and I. And here's next month's question. How do you know he's the one? If you feel inspired to respond to this [00:54:00] asker and are interested in being a guest of this episode, or if you have a short word of wisdom for them, Write to us on the contact page on youandipodcast.
com or DM us on Instagram at youandi. podcast. And of course, as always, please submit your questions there too. If you enjoyed this episode, like and subscribe to our channel, which helps others who might be interested find us. And feel free to share this episode with someone who may find it helpful as well.
Thank you so much for joining us today. I'm Jackie Kai Ellis, and here are some words of wisdom.
Words of Wisdom: So I think there's an important distinction between trauma and grief, um, and moving on from each of them is going to be very different. Um, but it sounds to me like the question is really asking, how do I move on from, from the grief of moving, of, of [00:55:00] losing my, my sister?
And I think that the answer to that is kind of baked into the question, which is. So much pain comes from expecting to move on from grief. Um, and it, it's, it's not a fair expectation and it's, it's never going to happen. Um, when we lose someone who Makes up the fiber of our being who sort of is part of the quilt of our life.
We're never going to move on from losing them. The loss of them becomes part of that quilt in the same way that the birth of a new life is going to become part of that quilt. And so what happens in my experience [00:56:00] is that we just keep walking and With time, that grief, instead of growing around us, which is how it feels in the beginning, um, this feeling of being buried beneath it, of being, um, overtaken and, and losing one's sense of self and connection to self and grounding and Not really wanting to walk in a world where this person doesn't exist anymore that becomes smaller, and I think it becomes smaller because we grow around it, and we become bigger rather than it becoming smaller, and I think that happens by primarily by And, um, [00:57:00] sort of acquiring new things in this life to love.
Um, when I lost my mom, I thought that my life was over. Um, because, and in many ways it was because, um, that version of me died with her. Um, I was never the same again and I'll never be that person again. Bye. I will also never be the same person that I was before I had my children. When you have that kind of love and that kind of loss, it's part of the fabric of your being and we can't really expect and the, so much of the pain comes from the attachment to that expectation that somehow things are going to go back to the way they were before.
They won't. You're going to find new ways to exist [00:58:00] around that loss and you're going to love new things. And become new versions of yourself and that is, I think the thing about loss and grief of that magnitude is that you kind of realize that that's the point of this whole thing. This whole life thing.
It's about going through these. experiences and, um, through these experiences, our souls expanding and growing and becoming, um, I guess, better and closer to lightness.
This episode was produced and edited by More Good Media.