Mini Episode 4: How do I stay driven while working towards a big dream?
I chose today’s question because when I read between the lines, I felt a sense of desperation, that the asker was stuck in a cycle and at a loss.
They write:
How do you stay driven? How do you dream big and remind yourself about that dream in the middle of procrastination or feeling overworked? I work six days, and there are times when I work hard and then I crash. And it doesn't feel right. Do you have tips for being consistent and focused on work?
We got this question over Instagram, but we want to keep our askers anonymous so I’ve decided to name you…tired dreamer.
It needs to be said, I am not a professional, just someone with some personal experience to share. I do hope this is helpful, but as always, take the advice that resonates and ignore what doesn't. And don’t hesitate to seek out professional help through a trusted source. We’ve provided links on our website in case they are needed.
Tune into the episode wherever you listen to your podcasts to hear Jackie ponder our listener's question and give her own personal experience navigating similar feelings.
This podcast is produced by More Good Media.
Episode Resources:
Jackie Kai Ellis: Website / Instagram
You & I Podcast: Website
Resources on finding trusted professional help can be found here.
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Welcome to You & I.
I am Jackie Kai Ellis and it’s my genuine hope that through sharing our most vulnerable stories, we know, in the moments where it matters so much, that we are not alone.
DISCLAIMER:
It needs to be said, I am not a professional, just someone with some personal experience to share. I do hope this is helpful, but as always, take the advice that resonates and ignore what doesn't. And don’t hesitate to seek out professional help through a trusted source. There are some links on our website.
QUESTION INTRO:
I chose today’s question because when I read between the lines, I felt a sense of desperation, that the asker was stuck in a cycle and at a loss. But the most interesting thing was that their question at the end, felt self-blaming, and in a sense, asked how to make the cycle go faster.
This might not be the case at all, but I just wanted to hit the proverbial pause and just ask the big “why?
And I wanted to say, be gentle, you are unique, the “why” will be unique and the ”how” will be too.
They write:
How do you stay driven? How do you dream big and remind yourself about that dream in the middle of procrastination or feeling overworked?
I work six days, and there are times when I work hard and then I crash. And it doesn't feel right. Do you have tips for being consistent and focused on work?
We got this question over instagram, but we want to keep our askers anonymous so I’ve decided to name you…tired dreamer. Thank you for your question.
ANSWER
Dear Tired Dreamer,
I don’t know why, I might be wrong, but I get this sense that you’re almost judging yourself or have some guilt about not being different or further along. When I read between the lines, I imagine that you’re berating yourself. Beating yourself into shape, the shape of success. Whatever that means for you.
It feels like this harsh cycle of trying to push past your own limits, only to burn out. A cycle of willing yourself to get up again and again, only to feel worse when you can’t, and, when you never really had a fighting chance.
I understand overworking myself, too. I’ve done this many times in my life, to the point of burnout. I did this when I opened Beaucoup Bakery, working so hard that my body literally began to shut down, and then I worked some more. I worked 72 hour shifts, and though I was quite happy to do it at the time, fueled partly by passion and excitement, I can recognize now that there were other less healthy drivers that motivated me. I had just separated from my ex-husband. Deep down, I was feeling devastated that my marriage didn’t work and frankly, I was desperate for something in my life to work. And having lived through years and years of feeling so heavy, I was also trying to run from sadness of all kinds, and into the work that made me happy. It was my way of coping with intense heartache.
It just makes me wonder, what else is tied up in your dream. Or if this dream is even yours to begin with. Because, I’ve found that if the goals are not truly my own, it’s almost impossible to maintain motivation in the long term.
Now, I could give you all the hot tips I know about staying driven, about not procrastinating, about succeeding with that big dream of yours…but I’m not sure how much it would actually help. And I do want to help.
I could tell you some of the things I’ve heard, and some, in the past, I’ve even tried. I could say to create a routine for yourself, because apparently, every successful person has a routine. I could recommend starting the day with momentum by ticking one easy thing off a checklist every morning. I’ve heard successful people wake up early, make time for exercise, create positive habits, which supposedly take more or less 21 days to solidify. But I’ve never done well with routines, and habits, for me, take much more than just time to stick.
But what has worked for me is asking a lot of questions.
Questions like, “why?”
Why am I doing this?
What am I really doing this for?
Where is it I actually want to get to?
Is this “something,” a thing I truly want? Or is it something I’m told I should want?
Or maybe I used to want it and don’t anymore?
I ask myself these questions often when something doesn’t feel right, as you say.
So I ask you, what are you getting out of this work, this dream, and what is it precisely that you really want, deep down?
For me, I think we as humans only persist when it’s hard because we are getting something we really want in return, and that it’s almost impossible to continue, when we don’t have a true motivation. Sometimes, we just haven’t pinpointed what we want, and sometimes these motivations are even subconscious,
For example, I can act negatively at times in my life. I can fall into an old habit of blaming others for my discomfort, not taking responsibility for my own choices, or avoiding making decisions at all so that I can’t possibly take responsibility for them when they make me miserable. It feels horrible to put myself in such a disempowered position, and life gets to feel pretty gloomy too. But I also recognize that, at that moment in time, something is making me feel afraid and vulnerable, and what I’m getting out of this mindset is safety. It is pretty scary to take on life’s choices and potentially make one that hurts. It’s scary to choose something I want and feel rejected. It’s daunting to be solely responsible if I’m unhappy, and to be solely responsible for my happiness too. But do I want to feel empowered, to live a scarier life created by my own choices? Or do I need a moment to catch my breath and hide in the double-edged comfort of a locked room? Either place has its benefits, and its challenges. I’ve been in both and neither are “wrong” per se, but it is helpful to consciously choose, or what you truly want may end up sabotaging the efforts towards what you think you want, or vice versa.
As for staying driven and finding consistency, it’s also helpful to make sure you’re setting yourself up for success. Not just in that generic catch-phrase kind of way, but that you learn how to support you, the unique you. And the only way to know how to do that, is to know you, by asking more questions.
Who are you? What drives you? How do you tick? What fuels your engine? Does your engine like to race in short bursts? Or drive slow and steady for long road trips? Does it work best in the morning, or at night? Do you work best in a team, or solo?
I’ve spent the better part of my life being told how I was supposed to be, in order to succeed. I’ve been told I need to chase down opportunities more, or sell myself more, work harder, or work less, or do different things, start different businesses, keep the ones I wanted to sell. The thing is, I think in order to succeed at your goal, you need to figure out what works best for you…and honour that.
I’ve been told in the past that I’m fickle and need to pick one thing and stick to it to get anywhere in life, but it actually fuels me to try many things, and I run out of steam if I don’t have the freedom to explore new ways to create. I’ve been told to not overthink and just get out there and try, but it works for me to wait, sometimes for years, for clarity on a decision.
I have been told to slow down, to find more daily balance in my work. But the way I’ve been built, is that I go dormant for many long, drawn out, boring years (in which people are telling me I need to go faster). I spend those years calculating, priming, deciding, planning, and then when I’m finally ready, I jump and run… and within months, I accomplish what others do in years. (and then those same people are usually telling me to slow down) Others progress bit by bit, in the fashion of an ideal 45 degree line graph. But my balance feels most natural to me, and we get to the same place eventually. Also, the balance might shift, that’s natural too. For me, it has already. Now I prefer to take on less projects at once and focus on a few things at a time, in order to savor it, because my motivation has changed from trying to enjoy as much as I can, to enjoying each moment along the way a little bit more.
I work best in the morning without music. I focus better when my space is clean and beautiful. When I’m writing I need frequent breaks just to clear my head. If I’m doing physical work, I need to keep going, and skip lunch and dinner until it’s done.
You see, we aren’t all made the same, so balance and support will look different to everyone, heck, success will too! So in order to set yourself up for success, to create the most helpful environments, the most inspiring routines, the most natural cadence, you must get to know what those look like for you. And the more you support you, the less time and energy you waste on things that don’t.
This isn’t always an easy process, and unfortunately, it does take time, trial and error, and tuning into yourself about what feels right to you. But knowing yourself, and accepting how you were made is a good investment that gives back exponentially in all areas of your life.
As for the practical things like procrastination, it happens to everyone. We all don’t like to do the things we don’t like to do, and we all get intimidated by a task and put it off…it’s no big deal. As long as what needs to get done, gets done, I would err on the side of being kind and gentle to yourself. We are not perfect. And perfectionism is just another road to burnout.
It might also be helpful to define what success looks like with this dream of yours, because sometimes when we are so busy with our head down, we don’t see how far we’ve actually come, and to course-correct if we still have a distance to go. How do you know when you’ve achieved your dream? What are you willing to sacrifice to get it and what are you not? And what if you aren’t getting there? At what point would you feel at peace changing course entirely? I only think it’s important to contemplate these questions because it may help you feel in control of your own energy, your choices, and your boundaries, and as you work towards this dream, the dream itself won’t grow to be so menacing that it begins to take charge of you, instead.
And lastly, a question that I often ask myself if I haven’t yet achieved what I want. Do I feel ready to have it? What if I get the very thing I want today? Then what?
END:
Thank you Tired Dreamer. This was such a pleasure to ponder. I hope you got something helpful out of this…if anything, know that you’re not alone. You see, we all struggle, mourn, yearn, question, laugh and cry. No matter our age, background, or titles, at our core, we are all not so different, You & I.
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OUTRO: [music]
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Music ends
This podcast was produced and edited by More Good Media.