Mini Episode 2: Can it work now when it never had?
Today, I’ll be doing something a little different. We’ve gotten so many amazing submissions (about love, life, career) that one episode a month wouldn’t have been enough to really dig into them. So we decided to add a mini pod every month as well, where I’ll be answering one of your questions solo…like today!
I’ve discussed today’s question with my friends over the past few days, and the fascinating thing is that it’s one that is vague enough, and yet specific enough that each person projects their own experience onto the way they read the question. It’s like a good song, or a great lyric. It’s just enough to trigger a memory and not so much that you can’t believe it’s not about you.
They write:
“A question that I didn't know how to answer and it’s “obsessing” me every day, is how can something work NOW when it never had worked in the PAST?“
We got this question over Instagram, but we want to keep our askers anonymous so I’ve decided to name you…now and then. Thank you for your question, now and then.
It needs to be said, I am not a professional, just someone with some personal experience to share. I do hope this is helpful, but as always, take the advice that resonates and ignore what doesn't. And don’t hesitate to seek out professional help through a trusted source. We’ve provided links on our website in case they are needed.
This podcast is produced by More Good Media.
Episode Resources:
Jackie Kai Ellis: Website / Instagram
You & I Podcast: Website
Resources on finding trusted professional help can be found here.
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INTRO:
Welcome to You & I.
I am Jackie Kai Ellis and it’s my genuine hope that through sharing our most vulnerable stories, we know, in the moments where it matters so much, that we are not alone.
Today, I’ll be doing something a little different. We’ve gotten so many amazing submissions (about love, life, career) that one episode a month wouldn’t have been enough to really dig into them. So we decided to add a mini pod every month as well, where I’ll be answering one of your questions solo…like today!
DISCLAIMER:
It needs to be said, I am not a professional, just someone with some personal experience to share. I do hope this is helpful, but as always, take the advice that resonates and ignore what doesn't. And don’t hesitate to seek out professional help through a trusted source. We’ve provided links on our website in case they are needed.
THIS QUESTION
I’ve discussed today’s question with my friends over the past few days, and the fascinating thing is that it’s one that is vague enough, and yet specific enough that each person projects their own experience onto the way they read the question. It’s like a good song, or a great lyric. It’s just enough to trigger a memory and not so much that you can’t believe it’s not about you.
They write:
“A question that I didn't know how to answer and it’s “obsessing” me every day, is how can something work NOW when it never had worked in the PAST?“
We got this question over instagram, but we want to keep our askers anonymous so I’ve decided to name you…now and then. Thank you for your question, now and then.
ANSWER
Simply put, everything changes: situations, our priorities, our perspectives change, the context and world we live in changes. WE change.
Now, I don’t know what your situation is. And I don’t know what wasn’t working then, and what is working now, or even if it is working now.
I imagined a lot of different scenarios for you. I thought, perhaps you had a business that failed when you started it 10 years ago, but now, you see someone else doing it and it’s thriving. Or maybe it’s a city you used to hate living in but now you find that you're actually starting to enjoy it a little more. Or, I thought who knows! Maybe it’s just a coffee machine that went kaputz and now it’s started dribbling morning gold back into your cup.
OR maybe you’re asking how to MAKE something work, how you can force something through to the other side, trying to solve your rubix cube by peeling off the stickers until all the colors match.
But for the sake of this podcast, I’ll assume a few things and hope that something I say will be helpful to you. I’ll assume that this “something” that didn’t work, must be really important to you, because you took the time to write in. And I’ll assume it’s something that causes some level of fear or worry, because oftentimes obsession is just a way of trying to avoid pain.
I’ll assume it’s not your coffee machine, and that you’re not referring to an abusive relationship, because that would be a totally different dialogue. And I’ll also assume you’re not trying to force something to work now, when it never has. Because in that scenario, I would probably say something along the lines of, pause, be still. Be still for long enough that the rain in your mind settles and you see where you’re standing on a sunnier day. You might finally see the path you’ve been looking for, or you might see something else you didn’t know you wanted. But you cannot control the weather and you’ll just tire yourself out, trying to wipe the fog out of the sky.
Though, if this is what I think it is, and this “something” is not about survival, but about love, (because love is the next most important “something” that usually confounds us) then I ask you this: does it even matter?
I don’t mean to invalidate feelings of yearning, of struggle, or uncertainty. Those are all real, and it’s important to give space for those things to exist. But the reason I ask, is that if it is really about love, (whether it be rebuilding a relationship with an absent parent, an estranged child, an ex-partner or a best friend) if it’s working, then why question at all?
Or maybe what you’re actually wondering is if it will continue to work, if you can trust it. Maybe you were so hurt by the time it didn’t work, or the time and time again, it failed you when it wasn’t supposed to. Or the time you allowed yourself to hope, only to have the failure of it change the fiber of who you are, of how much you allow yourself to dream from that moment on.
If that’s the case, then I will say this: Dissecting it, still won’t make it easier to know the unknowable. And the future is unknowable.
I get that dissecting something makes us feel like, “if we could just understand the beast, then we could control it, or at least know what kind of cage to put up around it so we don’t get hurt.”
But even so, I still come back to: does it matter?
Because as much as hurt hurts, life and love are not meant to be painless. Throughout life, in our culture, we’re often given the impression that love is painless if we follow a certain script. We meet Prince/princess charming, fall in love, have babies, happily ever after. Our parents are supposed to create safe and loving environments for us, support us through the clumsy process of becoming adults and, only at a ripe old age, after they’ve bestowed their wisdom on us, do they pass peacefully. And we are supposed to do that for our children too, because according to our culture’s lore, we are all having children. But how often is this our narrative?
My own experience of parenting has been a back and forth between being parented by my parents and parenting myself, and trying to learn, in my most imperfect way, how to be a parent.
And love, for me, has been a meandering path, and still is. Joe and I were engaged 7 years ago after a month of dating, then broke up. He had to learn to love himself more than the idea of love. And I needed to learn what it meant to love myself enough to actually receive it. We evolved, we changed, and 5 years later we found each other again and got married.
What didn’t work then, does work now, for the most part. But will it work forever? Even with two kicks at this can, there are moments when the fighting gets so bad we both wonder if we’ll make it. I don’t know. But I think we both hope that we will have ample opportunity to love each other well into our old age, when losing him will hurt even more deeply.
life and love are not meant to be painless. That’s just not the point. Maybe the point of love is that we have an opportunity to learn how to be vulnerable, opened up, afraid and still present. That through the experience of truly loving and being loved, we have a chance at becoming just a little more whole, not from avoiding loss, but from loss itself. Because that kind of joy only means so much to lose, if we were brave enough to embrace it to begin with.
You ask, how can something work NOW when it never had worked in the PAST? Simply, everything changes, and change forces us to choose, if we will get right into the inexplicable mess of life, or if we will try to decipher it all from the sidelines.
I’m not saying I'm good at this. Frankly, I’ve had moments of paralyzing fear at the thought of being hurt. But I hope that at the end of my life, I’d have been someone who chose to get messy more than not, someone who was brave enough to stay curious, someone who went out on a limb from time to time. Someone who experienced fully, tried to love despite the fear, allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to be truly loved, someone who felt life’s loss to my core, because losing something so profound would also mean that I experienced something equally as deep and grand.
So I ask you again, what does it matter when or how or why it might work, or if it will continue to work? Instead, maybe ask yourself, is this “something” worth getting messy for?
END:
Thank you Then & Now. This was such a pleasure to ponder. I hope you got something helpful out of this…if anything, know that you’re not alone. You see, we all struggle, mourn, yearn, question, laugh and cry. No matter our age, background, or titles, at our core, we are all not so different, You & I.
OUTRO: [music]
Incase you missed it in the last episode, check out next month’s question on our homepage.
So that If you have had the same personal experience as the asker, and are interested in being a guest of that episode, OR if you have a short word of wisdom, write to us on the contact page on youandipodcast.com or DM us on instagram at @youandi (DOT) podcast. And of course, please submit your questions there too.
If you enjoyed this episode, like and subscribe to our channel, which helps others who might be interested, find us. And feel free to share this episode with a friend or family member who you think might find it helpful as well. Thank you for joining us today. I’m Jackie Kai Ellis, this is you and I.
Music ends
This podcast was produced and edited by More Good Media.